Busy as a. . .

The other day, I had been talking about how I was doing my best to take things slow. I had found myself sitting at my desk with half a dozen different things spread out before me.  I end up doing a little of this, a little of that and a whole lot of nothing ever gets completed in it's entirety.  Then I get frustrated that I haven't made the best use of my time, create a new "to-do" list and vow to double down on the productivity the next day.  Guess what happens?  Same thing.  It's like Groundhog Day for the Type A among us.  So, like I said, I'm trying to slow down. 

For instance, right now, I've just got my computer on and nothing else. Don't know where the phone is (that's good and bad, I guess), iPad is on the floor, my planner is closed (hallelujah!) and I'm just focusing on what is in front of me.  I've been considering why it is so difficult for me to just do one thing at a time.  Ironically, I find myself telling the children to do one thing at a time several times a day.  Or, I remind them that I can only do one thing at a time when I'm trying to put away groceries, make dinner, empty the dishwasher, change a poopie diaper, and braid some hair when they ask me to read them a story.  Times like those, I really should drop everythign and read the story -- there's going to be a day when they'll stop asking.  That's the reason why I will still pick up my 48 pound 8 year old when she asks me to hold her; one day, she might not let me.  But, I'm going off in an entirely different direction. 

I was talking about slowing down.  I fall prey to the Idol of Busyness far too often.  "'The Idol of Busyness'" you ask? "Hilary with One L, what is that?"  Basically, in our tech filled, immediate gratification desirous lives, we have fallen down to worship at the Idol of Busyness. We take pride in how overcommitted, strung out, over worked, over shceuled, and over accomplished we are.  This notion of idolatry isn't something that I came up with.  It was a concept I heard in church about six years ago that burrowed into my subconcious and took root.  When I am in the eye of the storm of commitments and responsibilites, the idea of the Idol of Busyness burbles up to the forefront of my mind, totally unbidden by my consciousness.  I'm convinced that when I'm in danger of spiraling into self-aggrandizement of how much I've done, the Idol pops up to remind me to come back to center.

Another spoke on this wheel is my (former) need to justify what I do because I am a mom who works from home.  Keeps your knickers on, Edith -- this isn't about to be a SAHM vs. Working Mom debate.  I'm just talking about me and MY OWN perceptions of myself.  I used to -- thankfully, not so much anymore -- spew forth every little detail of what I did over the course of a day when The Hubs would come home from work. It was like, "Ooh, ooh! Look what I did! And then look what I did! See, it's good that I'm at home with the kids!"  It was like I had to prove to him that I hadn't been sitting on the couch eating bon-bons all day -- as if that's even possible with kids underfoot.  As the girls got older, and B.V. (before Vivi), I would do the same thing when I would meet people whose eyes would glaze over upon learning I didn't work outside of the home.  I would list my CV, my volunteer experience, my memberships in organizations, and where I saw myself in ten years.  All of these things were futile attempts to to impress and engage with people who I was probably never going see except for annual holiday functions.

I thought the more I filled up my day, the more things I did, the more I checked off my list and the busier I became, well, then I was a real person.  I was a person worth paying attention to.  I was just as busy as you, as him, as her because my time was SO busy, just like yours, his and hers.

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 The number of things I do in a given day doesn't make me better or worse than anyone else. I'm not getting validation for that; I'm getting tired, and how tired I am isn't something I'm going to be rewarded for.  There's no prize for overflowing your waking hours with commitments and engagements that leave you worn out and run down.  As we enter into this holiday season, there will be a great temptation to out-Pinterest one another in holiday swag, gift giving for teachers and service providers, and meal preparation.  There will always be something that has to be done on our never ending to-do lists.  The best we can do is take each day, each activity as it comes and hope for the best. Of course, always have a plan B and a nice set of hand soaps pre-wrapped for an unexpected hostess gift.